LIFE is wonderful, according to the lying twats who raised you. But the bullshit claims they made about how great stuff were all false: 

‘Camping is going to be a lot of fun’

Choosing to spend a week in an uncomfortable temporary shelter is never fun, especially with your parents saying things like ‘There’s nothing like the peaceful silence of nature’ before a wild boar attacks your cool box.

‘Going to the dentist isn’t going to be that bad’

Parents go to great lengths to tells fibs about how having a drill taken to your teeth is absolutely painless, despite not having been to the dentist themselves for two decades because they’re absolutely petrified.

‘We’ll go to Disneyland if you do well at school’

Children will do anything when offered a trip to the Magic Kingdom and are also incredibly gullible. Your parents will feign complete ignorance when you bring it up after finding yourself on a rainy Belgian caravan site instead of Splash Mountain.

You’ll be grateful for it when you’re older’

A favourite parental way to force you into doing things you don’t want to do, like not going out on a school night or learning the oboe. Although they have your best interests at heart, they just end up turning you into a weirdo square with no social skills.

‘The dog went to live on a farm’

If children were capable of critical thinking they would immediately see how strange it is that their beloved pet dog would move from a comfortable suburban home to live on a strange farm. Luckily kids are stupid, and can save this up for a traumatic realisation during adulthood instead.



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