SOUTH BEND, IN—Protesting that her weekly sessions of self-examination and relationship analysis left him feeling consistently outmatched, local man Alan Waters confirmed Thursday that years of therapy had given his girlfriend, Tara Mikkelson, a distinct and unfair advantage in a recent fight.
“She’s using all these fancy terminologies like ‘cognitive distortion’ and ‘catastrophizing,’ and meanwhile I’m just trying to yell something about feeling like she’s all over my back whenever I just want to crack open a beer and relax with some TV,” said Waters, adding that his girlfriend’s ability to articulate her emotions and analyze her own behavior left him feeling unsure of when exactly he was supposed to cut Mikkelson off and tell her she was annoying the shit out of him.
“Clearly, she’s had months of time set aside with her therapist to work through all this stuff, but where does that leave me? Frankly, I don’t even know whether I’m supposed to throw something or insult her when she says I’m letting my frustrations with work bleed into the bedroom. It’s total fucking bullshit.”
At press time, Waters was convinced he had finally taken the upper hand after abruptly telling his girlfriend she was browbeating him with this bullshit about cognitive-behavioral therapy, smashing a glass on the floor, and storming out of the kitchen.