ENGLAND is more than halfway through its second lockdown, supposedly, but why is this one so much more bullshit than the first? We asked the public. 

Bill McKay, 41, accountant

“The first time round it was a real novelty. I sheltered in the little Covid-free fortress I’d made of my house, carefully washing everything when I went to the shops and avoiding strangers while I exercised. This time around the kids are at bloody school bringing it home with them, so what’s the f**king point?”

Eleanor Shaw, 36, clothing wholesaler

“I began the novel I’d always dreamed of writing during the first lockdown, then dropped it the moment we could leave the house because I’m not a writer and it was, frankly, shit. This second lockdown’s just rubbing my nose in my failure, especially as there’s even less on telly.”

Grace Wood-Morris, 19, student

“The first lockdown sucked because I was locked in with my parents and worried about my A-levels. But compared to being locked in with a load of dickheads in a Manchester halls of residence with actual security guards stopping me leaving, it was Shangri-f**king-La.”

Margaret Gerving, 68, retired teacher

“In March, we locked down because there was no other way to stop the coronavirus and to buy time for the government to establish protective measures. In November, it’s perfectly obvious there are many ways to stop the coronavirus and the government’s too bloody incompetent to do any of them.”

Matt Hancock, 42, health secretary

“Back then things were bad, but I always had the comfort of knowing I’d soon lose the job I was terrible at and could stretch out on the back benches for four years. This time around, I’m still f**king doing it plus I have to go on GMTV. This is total bullshit.”



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