WASHINGTON—Detailing what must be done as the dead-eyed chief justice scrawled a plan on his basement wall, the voices that had always whispered the founding fathers’ intent to John Roberts told him Tuesday that now is the time for him to slaughter the country’s leadership and seize the government for himself.

“You have performed well, John, and honored our legacy—now is the time to heed our words and finish the job,” said the voices to Roberts, who nodded his head and repeated every word to himself as he flicked a lighter and pulled a shotgun from his closet. “Only you can do this, John, only you can make Washington and Jefferson happy and restore this great nation. You know what must be done. You know where Mitch McConnell lives, John. You were chosen, and now you must play your part and make our original intent manifest.”

At press time, Roberts was waiting quietly in the West Wing for an impromptu meeting with President Trump.

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