On November 3, Americans will head to the polls to potentially make their voices heard in electing the next president of the United States. The Onion looks back at the most pivotal moments of the 2020 election cycle.
July 28, 2017
John Delaney breaks record for earliest and saddest official presidential candidacy declaration.
January 27, 2019
Howard Schultz announces potential presidential bid, citing intimate knowledge of racial and economic hardships facing Americans employed at Starbucks.
June 26, 2019
At the first debate, Kamala Harris delivers a death blow to Joe Biden, essentially knocking the former vice president out of the primary race.
September 4, 2019
CNN broadcasts seven-hour Climate Crisis Town Hall to get all that climate change talk out of the way well before election.
October 15, 2019
Ahead of fourth Democratic debate, candidate field narrowed from six to 12.
December 18, 2019
House votes to impeach Trump, making it one of the top issues everyone will completely forget about by the election.
February 3, 2020
Results of Iowa Democratic caucuses delayed until voting app developers can manually override Bernie Sanders’ victory.
March 2, 2020
Democratic competitors Amy Klobuchar, Pete Buttigieg suspend campaigns to focus on positions in Biden cabinet.
April 8, 2020
Biden secures nomination after collection of key Democrats decide hey, you gotta hand it to the guy for sticking around.
May 30, 2020
Fishing ship off Nova Scotia coast gets motor tangled in floating mass of 70,000 “Boot Edge Edge” shirts.
June 1, 2020
Trump releases early peek at second-term platform as National Guard troops tear-gas peaceful protesters in D.C.
June 15, 2020
Trump installs Louis DeJoy as postmaster general after expressing horror at the satisfactory state of the U.S. Postal System.
July 31, 2020
Herman Cain returns to support Trump on campaign trail after dying the day before.
October 1-5, 2020
A contagious disease called Covid-19 briefly becomes matter of national concern.
October 26, 2020
Trump’s poll numbers dip slightly after supporters realize a 6-3 conservative Supreme Court majority makes him redundant.
April 16, 2029
2020 election cycle comes to an end after winning army finally vanquishes its foe.