EAT Out To Help Out’s success proves that Britain can be bought off with anything halfway free. Here’s what Rishi Sunak should try next.

A Chicken & Mushroom Pot Noodle

Now the Nando’s tap has been turned off, the country’s diners need cheap, tasty MSG-laden fare from somewhere. Enjoy chain dining at home by serving your Pot Noodle with fries and coleslaw and pretending very hard it is not weird synthetic slop.

A brick

A single 40p housebrick doesn’t sound great, but you’re not factoring in Britain’s tightarses for whom it’s not about the money or usefulness, it’s getting something for free. Also collect enough and you’ve got a house, so it’s your own fault you’re still living with mum and dad, millennials.

Half-off at the bookie’s and vape shops

Develop a bargain gambling addiction and take up vaping to save money on liquid nicotine in flavours like ‘Mango Menthol’ and ‘Blueberry Tobacco Ice’. It’s all getting our high streets moving again, and perhaps soon every single store will be a vape shop or a bookie’s.

A fish

To eat or keep as a pet. The main thing is that it rhymes properly – ‘Rishi’s fishies’ – which will be helpful to the press as they try to spin it as another Tory triumph. And if British fish are worth a no-deal Brexit, then it’s surely worth you keeping a pet mackerel.

A poke in the eye with a shitty stick

Superficially, not that appealing. However, it’s free and a large number of voters applaud anything the government does because Brexit and immigrants. Excrement-based eyeball-pokings will attract queues around the block to back Boris.

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