Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team

Gary Borkowski, Onion Sports resident fantasy football expert and former NFL concessions worker, shares surefire strategies for analyzing matchups, finding overlooked sleeper picks, and scouring the waiver wire to improve your roster.

Pick up Drew Lock if he’s available. Please, I told Drew I would help raise his fantasy stock in exchange for an autographed football, so if you acquired him it would be a big help.

Have faith in the team you drafted—check your lineup just once before the season and then again after the season ends.

Read up on advice from fantasy experts from lesser publications. Even if they haven’t worked their way up to The Onion yet, they might still have valuable takes.

Learn from my mistake: Don’t name your team after your social security number.

Find market inefficiencies to exploit. Your opponent only has one kicker? Consider filling your team with exclusively kickers to give you that extra edge.

Read as much analysis as you can during the week to convince yourself you have control over what happens in over a dozen football games.

Wait until the last few rounds before drafting a defense, kicker, coach, and fans.

Build a great bench, because at least three of your players will be suspended for domestic-abuse charges and will face 6-game suspensions.

Confirm that your league awards points for things like yards, catches, and touchdowns, and then find players who are sure to excel in those categories.

I stick to my draft plan no matter what unless someone takes the player I wanted, in which case I panic and take Ryan Tannehill.

Draft one of the three best receivers in the first three rounds, and also make sure you grab one of the three best running backs and one of the three best quarterbacks.

No matter what happens, I always make the playoffs as long as I adhere to Sun Tzu’s words: “If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.”

Don’t let your fantasy team take away from your enjoyment of watching the game you love; make sure your fantasy team takes away the enjoyment from everyone around you.

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