LOCKDOWN approaching? Revive the nation’s Blitz spirit by setting off enough explosives to destroy the Isle of Man. Here’s how: 

Go by name

Any firework with Fountain, Magic or Enchanting in the name is sparkly bullshit. Names like Plasma Attack, Firebomb Apocalypse or Supernova Twatcracker give you more bang for your buck.

Leave out the Catherine Wheels

While commemorating the execution of a Catholic in the Guy Fawkes’s Day spirit, Catherine Wheels are a bugger to put up and never work. Only fun when it falls off, fizzes round the garden, then Dad stamps on it and gets a red-hot nail through the sole of his welly and his foot.

Provide a soundtrack

Professional firework displays have a soundtrack synchronised to the fireworks, but even never synced that well. So your attempt to do it with an iPhone and a Bluetooth speaker will be catastrophically bad even before it included Ed Sheeran and Cotton Eye Joe. 

Fire loads of screechy ones

Big bangs are fantastic but expensive. Keep your neighbours awake between your Gulf War and Gulf War II fireworks with a selection of small screechy ones they can find blocking their gutters in spring.

Save the best until last

Got something the size of a wedding cake called Tsar Bomba 1961? Save it until midnight, ideally leaving ten minutes’ silence beforehand to convince everyone it’s over. Then a round of raucous cheers.

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