MUNCIE, IN—Methodically taking the proper steps to divert an artery, cardiac surgeon Dr. Stewart Smith took extra care with a double bypass Thursday just in case the patient was an undercover professional critic.

“These guys often schedule major surgeries without full disclosure or any warning, so just to be safe, I’m really taking care to ensure this one comes out nice,” said Smith, noting he knew doctors whose practices had been shut down after critics called their surgical techniques “uninspired” and prognoses “jejune” in their reviews.

“You mess up on one little heart valve and these guys tear you apart. It would drive me crazy, but on the other hand, if you score a five-star review, you’re absolutely set for life.” At press time, Smith had panicked after the patient lost blood pressure and flatlined.

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