CHICAGO—Assuring parents they were more than prepared for their first fully virtual semester, Chicago Public Schools encouraged students without internet access Friday to attend remotely by peering through the home windows of wealthier classmates.

“If you have any problem at all connecting to online classes, simply walk to a more upscale neighborhood, peer through the blinds, and watch your Zoom class via their feed instead,” said CPS superintendent Janice Jackson, adding that they were working around the clock to get all children, regardless of income, access to wealthy family’s mansions where they could longingly press their faces against the glass while they stared at laptops 20-feet away.

“We understand that this semester will come with unique challenges for many students, but we urge them to try to the best of their ability to hop a fence to a gated complex, scramble up a trellis, and cling to the window frame of their classmate’s second-story bedroom. Also, don’t hesitate to reach out to your teachers if you have any problems—many of them are probably huddled in an alley of a fancy neighborhood right now, trying to use the high-speed internet of affluent residents.”

At press time, numerous parents expressed concerns after seeing students in the background of Zoom calls falling from windowsills, succumbing to guard dogs, or being swatted away with fireplace pokers.

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