CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve completed the hardest January any of us are ever likely to experience. 

Locked-down, flat broke, with no Christmas or New Year to look back on fondly, the month has been hell for everyone, but it ends today. If you’ve been doing Dry January you deserve extra credit, you masochistic weirdo.

Whether you’re on your own in a one-bedroom flat, juggling homeschooling three kids and a high-powered job, or out there working on the frontline, the last 31 days have ticked slowly and painfully by.

It didn’t matter if it was Monday morning, and you were slumped in the corner working on your laptop, Wednesday evening, and you were slumped in the corner working on your laptop because you’d spent all day doomscrolling Twitter, or Saturday and you were slumped in the corner on your laptop out of habit, this month sucked.

No month has ever been longer. No month has ever been more featureless. No month has ever offered such a shitty range of entertainment options, ie. it’s Sunday so let’s go for yet another muddy walk around the same patch of grass.

But you made it. Day by day, you battled your way through a January without friends, without family, without pubs, without any of the things that make life worth living. And survived.

Congratulations! Your reward is February. It will be almost exactly the same.

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