By secondary school headteacher Mrs Susan Traherne

IT’S all we’ve heard since March. Homeschool, how hard homeschool is, balancing work and homeschool, etcetera. So I was surprised to find your kids have learned absolutely f**k all. 

Less than f**k all, if that’s possible. Under your tutelage they appear to have lost knowledge they already had. A six-year-old should not claim the answer to six times eight is ‘bear’.

We tried to help. We made resources available to download, we marked their work, we gave them words of encouragement. Or we would have, if you’d bothered logging on.

So, I must ask, what was all this homeschooling you were giving them? That you resented so? It wasn’t maths. They know no history. None of them appear to be newly fluent in Farsi.

I note, however, that they appear to know everything there is to know about season four of Fortnite. That their knowledge of Phineas and Ferb is encyclopediac. That they can now do backflips on the trampoline.

My hypothesis is, therefore, that the issue wasn’t with the teaching techniques but with the teacher simply not bothering. That at best you made them read a book, or perhaps do some light colouring, before they went on the PS4.

In short, they’ve learned f**k all because you taught them f**k all. You spent more time moaning about homeschooling on Facebook than you spent homeschooling.

Don’t worry. We’ll handle it. It’s not an easy job, but it’s our job. But next time? Perhaps you could do us all the favour and shut the f**k up.

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