TRYING to cut down on carbs? Prepare these meals, eat them, feel sad and open a family bag of Monster Munch to weep into anyway.

Dry chicken and soggy broccoli

A favourite of celebs, who are famously deluded, this is the perfect combination for guaranteed discontentment. Steam your vegetables so they drip with shame, just like the tears dripping from your eyes. Don’t bother seasoning that arid lump of chicken because we all know you’re off to the chippy later.

Lettuce wrap

A substitute for a sandwich that no one wants. Choosing lettuce over bread is the definition of insanity. It doesn’t matter how much hummus you put inside that sad little leaf; it will taste of melancholy, despair and endless misery.


If you’re intent on ruining a good meal and becoming a dried husk of your former self, replace spaghetti with spiralised courgette. It will take f**king ages to make, ruin your bolognese sauce and generally be wet, bland, and disappointing, just like you are.

Cauliflower pizza

You can try to pretend that a cauliflower base is a viable substitute for that sweet, calorific dough, but you know that you’re lying to yourself, given that it’s unpleasantly moist and tastes of farts. Give up and order a Dominoes.


Attempt to enjoy as it takes you 50 minutes of chewing to get through a mound of tasteless, never-ending foliage. You’ll be left so ravenous that you’ll be found sobbing on your kitchen floor with massive fistfuls of bread in each emaciated hand. Stuff down some carbs and feel happy instead.

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