TALLAHASSEE, FL—Crouching down beside the building’s electrical panel under cover of night, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly cut the phone line outside a local nursing home Monday so no one inside could report any coronavirus data.

“Good luck calling for help now,” said DeSantis, grinning through a window as a terrified orderly repeatedly picked up the receiver in a vain effort to get a dial tone. “Scream and cry all you want, you fools, no one’s coming to save you—no one even knows you’re in trouble, and now, you’re completely at my mercy.”

At press time, a knife-wielding DeSantis was skulking in the bushes after a passing ambulance slowed down to make sure everything was alright.

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