CHARLOTTE, NC—Short on time and bereft of any better options, organizers of the Republican National Convention were reportedly forced to pad out the final nights of the event with illegitimate Trump children, sources confirmed Wednesday.
“We’re proud to announce over a dozen new surprise speakers will be joining our lineup this evening,” said RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel, who managed to get the president’s many secret offspring to agree to speak at the convention in exchange for an increase in their privately negotiated monthly hush-money payments.
“We’re pleased to welcome Heather, Michael, Cici, Shane, Elliot, and Nicole, as well as many other energetic and exciting newcomers into the fold, some of whom we’re still getting in touch with, so hang tight. This is a diverse and accomplished group that’s, in fact, very representative of this country. Joan Marie is a 43-year-old Jewish mother living in Palm Beach, Florida. Xavier is a 19-year-old auto mechanic saving up money for college in Aurora, Colorado. One of them is even a beloved Hollywood star, so tune in for the big reveal.”
At press time, half of the illegitimate Trump children were cut from the schedule after sharing anti-Semitic conspiracy theories online.