ATLANTA—Claiming that the health risks from the novel coronavirus were relatively minor, public health experts announced Wednesday that, given proper precautions, it was safe for students to return to those weird little private schools where they have class in a barn.
“Our research has indicated that the school year should be able to resume without incident in tiny educational facilities where there are only like 15 students to begin with and most of them are related anyway,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, telling reporters that a largely outdoor curriculum consisting of digging in a community garden and dancing around a Maypole presented a low likelihood of transmission.
“Of course, administrators will still need to make sure everyone is maintaining proper social distancing while milking the school goat, and students should be required to always wear the macramé masks they made in what passes for their version of a science class. If we’re able to stick to these guidelines, enrollees should be able to dance and cavort around in the woods like a normal school year.”
Redfield cautioned that weird little private schools should still avoid higher risk activities since as gathering together in a guitar circle to sing a medley of Simon & Garfunkel songs until at least next semester.