Illustration for article titled Professional Bowler Falls Into Existential Crisis After Realizing There No Way To Know How Deep Finger Holes Go

CLERMONT, FL—Begging his wife to promise that his life actually has a purpose and meaning, PBA bowler Norm Duke reportedly fell into an existential crisis Wednesday after realizing there is no way to know how deep finger holes go. “How can anything be knowable if such an impossible problem exists? What if the holes go on forever?” said Duke, who spent six straight hours locked in his bedroom wondering if anything he had ever done actually mattered in the face of such inconceivable vastness inside a bowling ball. “You could spend your entire life and never know how deep those holes are, so how do we know 300 is actually a perfect bowling score? How do I know if I was even good at bowling in the first place? Maybe we are just bowling balls ourselves, being thrown over and over again by an indifferent and uncontrollable universe? How could I possibly know?” At press time, a crazed Duke was being dragged from his home after brandishing a handgun at his bowling ball.

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