VATICAN CITY—Revealing that the practice helped him reach a state of sanctifying grace, Pope Francis confirmed Friday that he maintains a divine buzz by microdosing the Holy Eucharist throughout the day.
“I’ve started to feel way more connected to the Heavenly Father ever since I started consuming a few crumbs of communion wafer every few hours,” said the pontiff, explaining how taking a 10-microgram dose of diluted liquid Holy Supper on regular intervals has made it much easier to compose epistles, lead his flock, and serve as a witness to his faith.
“I figured I’d try it out after hearing how a bunch of high-powered, successful clergy members did it, and it’s been great. Ingesting small amounts of consecrated substances have worked wonders for my piousness. I mean, just yesterday I blessed, like, 500 parishioners and I wasn’t tired at all.”
At press time, a completely nude Pope Francis, who had accidentally taken too much Eucharist, stormed into a meeting of cardinals screaming about demons crawling under his skin.