PEOPLE who insist on using a French accent to order a pastry in a British cafe have confessed that they enjoy being unbearably pretentious.

Those ordering chocolate croissants using strangled Gallic tones are coming under increasing pressure to stop being such twats.

Cafe owner Bill McKay said: “The croissants I sell are made in a factory in Milton Keynes and then baked on the premises here by a man called Alan. No part of the process is in any way French.

“My business relies on selling hot drinks and croissants, but I will not serve a customer who is being a dickhead. No French accents on the pastries and no Italian accents on the coffee. This isn’t a language school.”

Pastry fan Martin Bishop said: “I know this isn’t even how the French say it because I tried ordering one once in Paris and the waiter laughed out loud for a full three minutes before telling me to ‘pees uff’.

“However, when ordering my pastry of choice, I still try to hit every vowel sound in the most disagreeable way possible so everyone instantly knows I’m a massive cock.”


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