ANTELOPE COUNTY, NE—Expressing that he certainly wouldn’t say no if such an occurrence ever took place, paleontologist Rich O’Donnell admitted Wednesday that he wouldn’t mind excavating somewhere close to a half-decent chophouse for once.
“Obviously it’s not the focus of the job, but I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t complain if just one time we wound up digging for fossils somewhere I could get a nice dry-aged porterhouse afterwards,” said O’Donnell, confirming that spending an afternoon unearthing the remains of creatures from before the Holocene Epoch could build up a hankering for a juicy, hand-cut steak as well as a side of creamed spinach or scalloped potatoes.
“I know it’s not that likely, but just imagine if someday somebody finds some mastodon bones outside of a strip mall and we’re called in to collect them. My team and I could grab a few cold ones after a long day, order up some wagyu, maybe a nice tiramisu, and return to the dig site the next morning refreshed and energized. It doesn’t even have to be anything that fancy. Honestly, I’d even take a Sizzler or an Outback Steakhouse at this point.”
At press time, an ambivalent O’Donnell was celebrating the discovery of a new species of giant sloth by biting into a dry, slightly stale granola bar.