BRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new study Monday that attributed owls’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit.

“The reason owls are so alert at night is because they have a crippling addiction to cocaine, which causes them to stay yipped up into the wee hours before they completely crash at dawn,” said lead researcher Nathaniel Wheelwright, explaining how the species’ darting head movements and dilated pupils were caused by snorting numerous lines over the course of an evening with their owl buddies.

“After ripping a bunch of rails in remote tree branches or darkened corners of barns, these tweaked-out birds of prey will stay up all night repeatedly making and remaking their nests. We have also discovered that owls swallow their prey whole because the drug significantly reduces their appetite.”

Wheelwright added that bats’ nocturnal lifestyle, on the other hand, could be attributed to their penchant for methamphetamines.

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