CHARLOTTE, NC—Rocking from one foot to another while fanning his fingers in anxiety, Eric Trump was overheard saying “Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez” Tuesday after accidentally bringing all of his father’s sexual assault victims to the Republican National Convention.
“Shoot, shoot, shoot, I remembered we did something like this in 2016 and I thought everyone was going to be so excited that I did it again, but I messed up and now they’re all gonna be mad,” said the president’s second-eldest son between sobs, tugging on the jacket sleeve of Stephen Miller as he begged him to do something.
“Come on, come on, we need to get them off the stage, but there’s so many of them! You gotta fix it! Oh no, oh no, Dad’s gonna yell at me and he’s not gonna let me give any more cool speeches and I’m gonna have to just stay in New York and run the business. Why can’t I ever do anything right?” At press time, a smiling Miller assured Eric Trump that no one watching the convention was even remotely concerned about the president’s history of sexual assault.