JESUS Christ, what’s that noise? And where is it coming from? Ah, it’s the landline you’re obliged to keep in order to have broadband. But who could be ringing? 

Accident compensation helpline

An artificial voice will pause for a little too long before asking if you’ve been in an accident that wasn’t your fault. This is your ideal chance to unburden yourself of the guilt you’ve been carrying since you drove into that bus queue and got away with it in 2007.

Tech support for parents

The one piece of technology your parents have mastered is the landline, and it’s the blunt tool they use to attack every other technological problem. Yes, you can help them top up their mobile but only if they remove it from the drawer where they keep it carefully switched off to save the battery.

Banking scam

Someone is hoping you’re old and confused enough to believe they’re from NatWest and will confirm all your confidential details so he can advise you of fraud on your account. Tell him of course, you’ll just get them from upstairs, then walk away and carry on with your day.

An old friend calling for a chat

The weirdest of all: what will they do next, turn up in your bedroom at 4am? It becomes clear they meant to call your mobile, but after this you both find it best to discreetly end the friendship.

The Government’s track-and-trace team

Extremely unlikely to happen but if it does, they’ll tell you that you need to stay indoors for the next 14 days or be fined £10,000. Essentially just like the banking scam call but from Boris.



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