CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing an explanation for the burgeoning mental health crisis, researchers at Harvard University published a report Wednesday showing the nationwide decline in psychological wellbeing was linked to an inability to eat inside a Hard Rock Cafe.

“After extensive research, we can state with a high degree of certainty that the largest contributing factor to increased anxiety and depression through the U.S. is not being able to enjoy a Legendary Steakburger or One Night In Bangkok Spicy Shrimp surrounded by iconic music memorabilia,” said lead researcher Gisenda Martin, confirming that while stopgap measures such as ordering curbside pickup or scrolling through the Hard Rock online store could provide temporary relief, they weren’t enough to treat the underlying psychological distress.

“We’re beginning to see something of a ‘shadow pandemic’ in the aftermath of coronavirus closures, and unfortunately, all we can do at this point is to buckle down and get through it. And hopefully soon, we’ll be sipping on Rockin’ Fresh Ritas beneath a gown worn by Dolly Parton or Bon Jovi’s guitar.” Martin added that it was crucial for Americans not to let poor mental health lead them to harmful behaviors like dining at the Rainforest Cafe. 

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