Illustration for article titled New Parents Freaked Out Upon Learning That Babies Can Live Up To 100 Years

NEWBURYPORT, MA—Panicking after encountering the information while reading through an article online, new parents Lindsey Conway and Michael Rhodes reportedly freaked out Tuesday upon learning that babies can often live up to 100 years. “Oh God, we got this baby thinking it would just be a few year commitment, tops,” said Conway, who grew increasingly distressed with her partner as she discovered that some infants can be expected to grow up to six feet long. “Jesus Christ, do you know how much feeding this thing is eventually going to cost? And it’s not even going to stay that cute. It looks like they can get pretty dangerous after the first decade or so. Why don’t they tell you all this before you bring them home?”At press time, the parents had resolved drop the baby off at the shelter first thing tomorrow morning.

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