WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide crucial relief to low-income households, Congress unveiled a new stimulus plan Tuesday that would provide a national tip jar for all Americans making under $40,000 a year.

“We are facing unprecedented economic challenges in the face of covid, which is why we’re seeking to ease the burden with this glass container conveniently located in Kansas,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, confirming that Congress had already allocated an additional $5 to place inside the jar to prime the pump for anyone walking by.

“Many Americans are struggling to afford basic necessities, and this program will be a great way for the wealthiest 1% to show their appreciation for any particularly good interactions they have with lower- and middle-class citizens. After the funds are deposited, it’s just a simple matter of Congress collecting the initial gratuities, counting them up, and then tipping out to all needy Americans who can provide the necessary documentation to show they qualify.” At press time, critics were arguing that the stimulus didn’t go far enough to help average Americans after a passing teenager swiped the jar.

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