NEW YORK—Emphasizing that you’d have no idea who anyone was by just watching the opening credits, the U.S. populace called Tuesday for the return of sitcom theme songs that explain the show’s whole deal. “We, the American public, demand to see a shot of the dad, a shot of the mom, a shot of the kids, and then a slow zoom-in on their home against a familiar city skyline every time the show starts,” said TV viewer Ericka Hamels, who also urged networks to once again set the whole thing to fun, upbeat music with horns or surf-rock baselines that the characters could then dance to.

“Please, we beg of you—break it down for us. Where are these people from, how were they forced into this situation, and where are they going? But also, don’t just stop there—these theme songs must then be updated every few years, so that when everyone ages, we still know who they are.”

At press time, the nation’s TV watchers amended their demands to include closing credit songs that restate the premise of the show and have characters wave goodbye until the next episode.

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