ENCINITAS, CA—Crashing through the top of the surf in an arching jump before approaching a group of nearby swimmers, Michael Phelps reportedly breached the ocean’s surface Friday to ask if the coronavirus is still ongoing before returning to the briny depths.

“How fares the surface world? Does the pandemic still run rampant across your dry kingdom?” asked Phelps, who sunk his teeth into a wiggling halibut as the stunned crowd explained that thousands were still dying every day. “I will not return to your land until this pandemic has passed. The sea gives us all we need, and I must look after my family’s safety. You understand. I wish the best for you rock-dwellers, but I must tend to my aquatic home.”

At press time a purple, bloated Phelps had washed up on shore after swallowing 20 pounds of plastic.

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