THE South has ordered the North to stop being all weird and friendly and in and out of each other’s houses, supposedly because of coronavirus. 

Health secretary Matt Hancock, whose skin crawls at the thought of people chatting in funny accents over the walls of their back yards, has ordered Mancunians to stop socialising immediately with plans to expand it to the whole region. 

He said: “These people exchange more friendly words with strangers than Hampshire residents do with their own families. It’s not right and it has to stop. 

“So, using Covid as an excuse, I’ve decided they are no longer allowed to wander in and out of each other’s nasty back-to-back hovels. No more popping round to ‘Auntie Hilda’ to see if she wants some ‘leftover hotpot’. 

“You can still share the same indoor space when acting as viable economic units, so gyms and offices and hairdressers are open, making a mockery of the whole thing. 

“But the days when you treated strangers, friends and family with anything less than suspicion and fear are over for you freaks. Start being normal. That’s an order.” 

Mancunian Jimmy Bates said: “Come up here mate. My fists want to form a social bubble with your f**king face.”

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