MEN across the UK are bracing themselves for pretending to savour a single malt whisky this week.
Males aged 16 upwards know that at some point a friend or family member will say something cringey like ‘Let’s have a wee dram’, followed by being made to ingest an eye-watering foul-tasting fluid.
Tom Logan of Hereford said: “We’re bound to end up at Gav’s one evening and he’ll say ‘Let’s get out the quality stuff’, like he’s a wealthy whisky connoisseur, not a skint 31-year-old who still scrounges money off his parents.
“Nonetheless it will be a fairly pricey bottle of Glenfiddich or similar. Gav will make a big deal of pouring a few glasses with religious reverence and pretentiously sniffing the toxic brew.
“Eventually we’ll have to drink it. The first sip will set my mouth on fire. Then the intense, scorching flavour, like waste from a battery factory, will burn my gums and taste buds causing permanent damage.
“Shamefully, instead of saying ‘This hurts, can I have a beer?’ we’ll all pretend to be really enjoying it like the weak, spineless excuses for men that we are.
“I’m going to say something like ‘Mmm, there’s a real peaty flavour, but almost a hint of vanilla too.’ I am pathetic.”