LANSING, MI—Confirming the man’s utter obliviousness to the root of all his problems, 44-year-old Eric Shoup reportedly remains unaware that the majority of his life’s failures are the direct result of him getting only 80% of his daily recommended thiamine.

“If Eric could manage only a couple more servings of brown rice or legumes a day, he’d achieve all of his goals within a year,” said a source close to the man, attributing Shoup’s lack of energy, middling career, and desolate love life to his failure to incorporate even a bit more of B-complex vitamin into his diet. “Eric doesn’t even need to get 100% of the daily recommended dosage. Just 75% would allow him to hold more meaningful conversations with friends and coworkers, while 90% would give him the confidence he needs to pivot into a whole new successful and personally fulfilling career with ease. Unfortunately, he’s never going to figure this out due to his crippling lack of dietary thiamine.”

Shoup later came astonishingly close to ingesting his daily recommended level of thiamine by loading up his fork with a large bite of liver, but upon deciding he was full, set the laden utensil down.

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