Illustration for article titled Man Relieved Movie Won’t Be Too Scary After Character Assures Friend There No Such Thing As Ghosts

MOBILE, AL—Pleased to have his concerns mitigated so early on, local man Sammy Althaus was reportedly relieved Thursday that the movie he was watching wouldn’t be too scary after one of the characters assured her friend there is no such thing as ghosts. “I was a little nervous about this film since I don’t like getting scared, but luckily one of this group of teens clarified in the first 15 minutes that she doesn’t believe in any of that superstitious nonsense, so it should be smooth sailing from here on out,” said Althaus, telling reporters that he had continued to relax as the teenagers began drinking and partying, evidently without a care in the world. “I’ll admit I started getting uneasy again when everyone heard a weird groaning sound coming from the attic, but then they explained that it was probably just the sounds of the house settling, so I’m looking forward to them exploring some sort of home-improvement-related subplot for the remaining runtime, which should be pretty fun!” At press time, Althaus’s building anxiety had been assuaged once again after the film’s female protagonist responded to being plunged into darkness by suggesting that her friends were pulling some kind of lame prank.

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