POLITICS has become so polarised that it’s impossible to admit that you wouldn’t mind giving Dominic Raab one. Form a cross-party coalition with these five: 

Michel Barnier

Gammons hate him but their wives would love just one night with this sophisticated, erudite negotiator. He’d take you to a swish Luxembourg restaurant and listen patiently all night, because even your boring life is more exciting than trade deals, then maintain a hard position while yielding in key areas.

Sarah Palin

For the liberal who abhors firearms, there’s no fruit more forbidden than gun-toting gilf Sarah Palin. You long to be snowbound on a ranch in the Rockies with the former Republican vice presidential candidate, who’s clad in nothing but cowboy hat, leather chaps and crossed ammunition belts.

Nicola Sturgeon

A no-nonsense Scot with a mad-on for posh Tories is a powerful fantasy for those same posh Tories. She’d catch you illegally trespassing on a grouse moor, spank you in a bothy and make you plunge naked into a loch. Delicious.

Jeremy Corbyn

You’ve embraced every craze going, from ukulele to circus classes, burlesque to cupcakes. Then came socialist unicorns. And now you don’t give a bugger about the many, you just want Comrade Jezza to come in from toiling on his allotment and pin you against the Aga.

Margaret Thatcher

The ultimate fantasy for four generations and counting of right-wingers, something about the Iron Lady stiffens even the most coal-mining steel-working pigeon-breeding Northerner’s resolve. You’d love to travel back to 1975 and get a blowie from her round the back of the working men’s club.

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