A WANKER with nothing better to do is unable not to inform you how many days there are left until 25th December.

Tom Logan, an adult man with a job and home, is completely obsessed with behaving like a f**king spoken-word advent calendar no matter how much everyone wants him to stop.

He explained: “Yesterday it was 54 days until Christmas, and now it’s only 53.

“I like to keep everyone up to date because there’s a lot to prepare, isn’t there? Buying the presents, getting them wrapped, ordering the turkey… those days will be gone before you know it.

“And when people say there might not be any Christmas this year, I tell them lockdown can’t beat the festive spirit and begin humming Mariah Carey. Ho ho ho!”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “It’s annoying every year. But when Christmas is likely to mean being locked in your home, unable to see anyone, having received nothing but online vouchers as presents and with nothing to do but drink, it’s worse.

“Hang on, actually, that sounds alright. That sounds great in fact. How many days did you say it was, Tom?”

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