SAN FRANCISCO—Unfolding an yellowing, wrinkled paper containing the names of every known card’s location, NBA star LeBron James set out on a quest Wednesday to hunt down the owners of rare rookie cards that contain fragments of his soul.
“I can never be fully whole, my legacy will never be secure until I have all 23 of these rookie cards in my possession,” said James, slowly clutching at his heart and thinking back on the painful day his spirit was shattered to forge the rare Upper Deck rookie cards. “I will travel to every corner of the Earth until I find each of these cards. I will play for every team in the NBA if I must. This has been a 17-year journey—I nearly died trying to retrieve the last one from the vault of Kim Jong-Un’s mountain top retreat, but I’m determined to see it through. I will never be the greatest ever until I am whole.”
At press time, James had unsheathed a small hidden dagger as a cackling Stephen Curry revealed his plan to gather and destroy the remaining cards and forever doom James’ hopes for a fourth NBA title.