BENTON HARBOR, MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover, KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest addition to its line of products, a lobster sedation kit designed to reduce the cruelty inherent in boiling to death a living, feeling creature.
“KitchenAid has developed a more humane method of lobster preparation that helps manage the pain a lobster feels upon being dropped into a 16-quart pot of scalding-hot water,” said company spokesperson Carolyn Green, adding that marine biologists and chefs had confirmed the kit’s proprietary blend of powerful anesthesia and rich, hand-churned butter alleviated the pain of a lobster’s blistering hot demise by up to 65%, while also improving flavor considerably.
“Rather than violently plunging a still-very-much-alive meal into 212-degree water without warning, both professional and at-home chefs can now facilitate a more peaceful transition for their dinner. Our full line of end-of-life products for your lobster includes a small embroidered pillow it can lay its head upon, a compact disc of serene ocean sounds, a small tank of nitrous oxide with a little application mask, and a soothing olive oil massage serum that promotes both relaxation and succulence. After the session, simply lower the medicated, fully marinated lobster to its bubbling death as if it were a nice, hot bath. And enjoy!”
Green added that the company planned to offer customers with more sensitive lobsters, a controlled-release opioid-delivery system with a button specifically fashioned to be pressed by a claw.