ARLINGTON, TX—Jumping at an opportunity that he has reportedly been waiting on for years, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced Tuesday that he would change the team’s name to Redskins now that it is available.
“Washington has been squatting on that moniker for so long, but I always secretly felt like it was the perfect name for my team,” said Jones, who revealed he filed the paperwork with the league to change the name within hours of Washington dropping it, and has attempted to trademark the name “Redskins” for the next 50 years.
“This name really gets at the heart of what we stand for as a franchise. This is America’s team, and Cowboys is just so generic. But Redskins has punch, it means something, it symbolizes the values of this country, and that is what I want for my team. I’m just pissed we couldn’t get the rights to Chief Wahoo, too.”
At press time, Jones had released market research suggesting that merchandise emblazoned with the Redskins logo would sell more than four times better in Texas than Cowboys apparel.