ES MOINES, IA—In one of the worst swine-based disasters in recent history, the Iowa Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that crops were devastated after a big fat mama hog went on a tear through the state’s cornfields.

“Hoo boy, that big ol’ sow ran through nearly 56 counties and destroyed over 13.8 million acres of corn and soybeans when she got loose and bolted into the fields last week,” said Iowa Agriculture Secretary Mike Naig, adding that satellite imagery revealed the magnitude of the massive porker’s path of destruction.

“This half-ton mama piggy just went a-squealin’ through our state, knocking over grain silos, machine sheds, and utility poles the whole way. She then charged several tractors before she tuckered herself out and laid down across multiple lanes on I-80, stopping traffic. We estimate the jumbo lady porker caused about $6 billion in damage before the National Guard was able to coax her back into her pen with a nice red apple.”

Naig urged Iowans to avoid getting between the fat oinker mama and her piglets, because she’s extremely protective and liable to bite off your dang finger.

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