BURBANK, CA—Responding to allegations of mistreating employees on the set of her talk show, television host Ellen DeGeneres issued a public apology Thursday, stating “I never intended to make staff feel unsafe by wearing a bloodied ram skull and stalking them with a hatchet.”
“If anyone ever felt hurt when I threw them up against a wall, held the blade to their neck, and screamed, ‘I will fucking kill you,’ I’m sorry,” said DeGeneres, who expressed her heartfelt concern for any role she may have played in creating a workplace environment in which horrified employees cowered on their hands and knees as she randomly bashed in their desks.
“The idea that any member of my hardworking team would feel afraid as I drank wine out of a hollow femur and shrieked that I would come for anyone who dared threaten my sole dominance over this studio is deeply disturbing to me. It was clearly never my intention to intimidate anyone by saying, ‘I’m going to chop off your head and piss on your corpse.’ I feel terrible for the way this has been misconstrued.”
At press time, DeGeneres had pulled a flail out of her jacket and apologized for what she was about to do to her publicist.