SANTA MONICA, CA—Smiling serenely while pressing the gas pedal all the way to the floor, a dead-eyed Kris Jenner reportedly murmured, “I decide when the show ends,” to herself as she drove a minivan filled with her family into the Santa Monica Bay.

“Hey, E!, I gave you the best 14 years of my life and I’m ending this on my terms, so how’s this for a season finale!” said Jenner, 64, abruptly cranking the wheel of the Ford Windstar and barreling down the Santa Monica Pier toward the water as onlookers screamed in panic. “Kim, Kourtney, help your sisters buckle up. Mommy’s got a real special episode planned and it starts at the bottom of the ocean. Ohhh, the water is cold isn’t it! I don’t know why you’re all crying when we get to be stars forever now.”

At press time, Caitlyn Jenner was being hailed as a hero after crashing her car into the speeding minivan, altering its course into a nearby food court instead of the icy waters of the bay.

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