WORKING from home? Your furry prick of a pet treating your keyboard like a dancefloor? Here’s how to get through it:
Shrug it off
In an attempt to keep pretending you’re in control, begin by chuckling and exclaiming ‘Not there, kitty!’ as if it’s a joke you’re sharing. Act like it’s just a one-off when deep down you both know this is the new normal.
Reason with it
Why not plead with your cat to do the right thing? It probably understands. Say something like ‘Come on now, this work is what pays for your Lily’s Kitchen Supurrs!’ As it stares back at you like you’re the most pointless thing in the universe, try your best not to look down in defeated confirmation.
Move the cat
Keep lying to yourself that you are the dominant entity in this situation, pick the cat up and put it on the floor. Allow yourself a second of nervous hope that the matter’s settled before the cat’s back up and somehow emailing your boss, ccing in HR.
Take a break
Decide you could both use a breather, under the illusion that the cat will get bored and instead go and murder a sparrow or shit in the neighbour’s begonias. It leaves and you let out a sigh of relief as you sit back down. Three keystrokes in, guess who’s back?
Speaking to the animal as if it understands or cares, you say a firm ‘That’s it!’ Kick the cat out of the room and close the door behind it. Now try to work through your guilt and shame as the cat mews sadly at the door like a dying child you’ve abandoned.
Obey. Let the cat back in. This is how things are now. Work takes ten times longer, if it’s possible at all. The cat is your master and its additions to your work are just and wise.