Election night, Nov. 3, is being scrutinized as uncertainties with voting, a pandemic, and the rhetoric of President Donald Trump have led to speculation that there might not be a firm resolution. The Onion looks at the most likely ways that election night could unfold.
Early stories of chaos at polling places give way to later stories of chaos at polling places.
CNN crew brings signature pep to covering democracy on brink of collapse.
Early reports indicate uneasy feeling in pit of stomach to continue for few more weeks.
Michigan resident Kathy Peluso breaks 17 years of sobriety.
Joe Biden wins in a landslide, instantly resulting in millions of Americans disengaging with politics for the rest of their lives.
Donald Trump erroneously declares victory before enough mail-in ballots have been destroyed.
One last sweep of nation’s voting booths to remove undecided voters frozen in place.
Fossil fuel executives, pharmaceutical lobbyists, and police everywhere celebrate victorious candidate.
For the 59th time, American populace decides they should definitely fix nation’s faulty voting system before the next election.