ALRIGHT kiddo, it’s Dad. I know you wanted a new coat but we’re saving for a hot tub to spice up our sex life. How about fashion tips from your old man instead?


Shorts are a year-round fashion staple. If the hair on your shins doesn’t keep you warm enough then you should go and see a doctor. I haven’t worn a pair of trousers since my last job interview in 1998, and even then the man interviewing me said I was overdressed.

Rugby shirt to a formal gathering

Nothing says ‘dressed to impress’ like the cotton-polyester blend of a 2003 England rugby shirt. I dig mine out for birthdays and Christmas, or that one time that I wore it to your graduation. If it’s a really posh do, I’ll wear a tie with it, which doesn’t look weird at all.

Texaco garage fleece

Who needs a proper coat when a fleece is appropriate in every type of weather from pleasantly mild to freezing blizzard? And it’s even better if you spent months saving up tokens to send off for a free one. You really appreciate it then.


Your mother and I are planning a staycation in Great Yarmouth in October. I’ll packing my Speedos just in case of a dip in the North Sea, and if it’s cold I’ll just inexplicably cover bits of me in Vaseline. I will then put a towel down in the car and drive home with no t-shirt on. Your mum likes it.

Whatever mum buys

Sod it, it’s not worth the argument.

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