Illustration for article titled Gentle Whisper Of Wind Through Willows, Dappling Of Sunlight Upon Leaves Unsure What More They Have To Do To Make Dipshit Look Up From Phone

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—Unsure what more could possibly be done to attract the lumbering oaf’s attention, a gentle whisper of wind through the willows and a dappling of sunlight upon summer’s lush leaves expressed their consternation Wednesday on how to make local dipshit Andrew Meyers look up from his phone. “Jesus Christ, the air is redolent of honeysuckle, the morning dew is glistening on the grasses, and we’re working our asses off pumping out the aeolian harmony to make this numbnuts take a break from playing Jewel Mania long enough to see the magnificence of nature; yet we’re just getting jack shit from him in return,” reported the sublime natural phenomena, as they expressed their indignation that not even the almost painful beauty of sunshine beaming down from the heavens and warming the chump’s shoulder blade like a caress from the universe itself could coax the jackass from his digital slumber. “Look, we’ve got a brook babbling over here, the wildflowers are blooming like a motherfucker, there’s this gorgeous mist rolling in off the waterfront, and he’s obsessing about some bullshit a stranger, who he’ll never meet, posted on Twitter. What in the living fuck is wrong with him?” At press time, the beauty of the natural world had given up entirely after the moronic man had glanced away from social media in order to take a video of a squirrel chewing on a piece of styrofoam.

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