THESE cats live on your street and aren’t busy, so it’s an absolute joke that they’re not into you giving them a little scratch. Ranked in order of selfishness:


Thomas is the big fat black cat on your street, often a bit dusty, and you just know he’d love being tickled all over. And yet he couldn’t be less interested. No matter how much you stick out your hand and go pspspsps. How does he think that makes you feel? Arsehole.


Alice is a gorgeous white and grey pedigree lady, with long fur. You bet it would be really soft to touch, probably. But she won’t let you. Even though she comes running when she sees you, then gets close and it’s like she suddenly realises it’s you and immediately changes her mind. Meanie.

Mr Fuzzypants

This one is a ginger scrapper. He’s only got one ear, and you know he’s been in a lot of fights because you hear the screaming every night from your bedroom. You know he’d like some love, which is why it’s so painful that he hisses at you when you walk past. Frigid, probably.


Daisy is an elderly, arthritic cat who limps around, looking like she needs a big kiss on the top of her head. This one is the most upsetting because she’s on your route back from Sainsbury’s, so you often drop your shopping on the floor in excitement to show her some love, but as soon as you get close she’s back into the bushes again. Playing hard-to-get twat.

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