CLEVELAND—Speculating that even the slightest trace of withering or discoloration would devastate the family, a pot of lilies left over from 12-year-old Jose Ramirez’s funeral confirmed Monday that it was under tremendous pressure to thrive.

“Obviously, I don’t want to make this moment all about me, but I’m feeling an immense amount of stress to not let a single petal wilt right now, and I don’t know if I’m up to the challenge,” said the flowering plant, stressing that it was sure to face an incredible amount of scrutiny based on its position amidst keepsakes and photographs.

“They’re going to be hovering over me, tapping my pistils, looking for any little imperfection that’ll make them think of their dead kid and start breaking down again. Honestly? It sucks. I know that’s callous, but I can’t help but wish I had just grown up along a river bed or been picked for a wedding. Goddammit, is that a brown spot on one of my leaves? Not sure why I thought these folks could possibly keep me alive.”

At press time, the lilies added that although the family was clearly going through a lot, the least they could do was move its pot into direct sunlight and water it daily if it meant that much to them.

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