TIMES are tough, but coronavirus needn’t stop you finding a job. Here recruitment consultant and professional bullshitter Josh Hudson explains how to succeed.
Look the part
Dress like David Beckham visiting the Palace, or if you’re a bird, one of the gobby cows off The Apprentice. Also exude mindless self-confidence. This in no way proves you’ll be good at a job, but it works for estate agents and most sales dickheads.
Adopt a fraudulent interview persona
Everyone bigs themselves up in interviews, but real winners do nothing but lie. You’re the hardest worker on the planet, you completely reorganised every team you’ve ever worked in, you’re the best friend a co-worker could ever have. When they realise you’re a sneering, lazy bastard who reads footie websites all day it will be too late.
Choose a career that is actually detrimental to society
Certain jobs are largely recession and coronavirus-proof. Pursue a career such as property developer, online betting client manager or anything to do with payday loans. Paramedics and teachers will get fired; you never will. Mugs.
Have a solid line in bullshit
Do you occasionally stop making inappropriate remarks to the work experience girl to check your emails and make a phone call? You are ‘actioning strategies in a fast-paced multi-platform environment’. And you are, of course, ‘across it’.
Be much worse at your job than you implied
Really talk the talk even if you’re missing targets hopelessly. Just sounding as if you know what you’re doing will suffice for most pointless jobs. But for Christ’s sake don’t apply for ones where your incompetence will quickly become apparent, eg heart surgeon or prime minister.