AGREED to do someone a favour and now deeply regretting it? Here are some little helping hands you’ll hate every minute of:

Getting your parents’ shopping

Never ‘pick up a few things’ for dear old mum and dad. They’ll suddenly all the other stuff they needed besides bread and bacon, and you’ll be trudging round Tesco looking for ‘the special biscuits’ and haemorrhoid cream. Tell them ‘f**k, no.’ Use those exact words.

Professional networking

Sometimes friends will ask if you’ve got any useful contacts in your industry. But as soon as you put them in touch with your friend in marketing they’ll become an unemployable knob who hassles your contact daily. Your reputation will become ‘twat with weird mates’. That’s where kindness gets you.

Looking after a pet

Nobody asks you to care for a high-maintenance pet like a Rottweiler, but a few cute little gerbils for a week can’t be much trouble? Until the little f**kers have killed and cannibalised one of their own gruesomely and you’re disposing of the body parts.

Reading a novel/screenplay

Unless you’re mates with Martin Amis or Joss Whedon, any creative work by a chum is guaranteed to be derivative crap with disturbing dragon sex scenes. Putting off giving feedback indefinitely is impossible, so move to another country and assume a new identity.

Temporarily housing a friend-of-a-friend

Steve’s mate Kenny is visiting but he’s already got another friend on his sofa, so could Kenny stay with you? Sure, why not? Because Kenny’s a sexist, racist shitbag who your friends will assume you agree with. Give a definite ‘f**k, no’ before this twat gets on the train with his sleeping bag.

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