WASHINGTON—Calling the program “an ingenious idea with near-unlimited potential,” experts at the World Resources Institute announced Wednesday that their studies indicated the future of green transportation may, in fact, be a 16-ton possum that passengers can cling to like babies.
“When we think about the future of sustainable travel, only one thing comes to mind: A giant, 40-foot marsupial waddling slowly down the street and stopping at specially marked possum stops where commuters climb up and latch onto its thick, wiry fur,” said lead researcher Karen Reade, noting that a full-grown animal could carry up to 50 people at a time.
“Once on board the possum, riders could cling to its neck, back, and flanks, while their children sit inside its large, warm pouch, perhaps suckling nutrients from the marsupial’s teats. Obviously an integrated municipality-wide network of possums would consume far fewer resources and create far less waste than individual motorists. There are admittedly some downsides; in addition to passengers, opossums may well carry rabies, which could conceivably pose a setback. However, they would partially make up for this by consuming up to two tons of ticks per day.”
Development engineers are currently grappling with the fact that possums are primarily nocturnal and thus somewhat of a liability during rush hour.