COLUMBIA, SC—As the police chief expressed amazement over the general enthusiasm for receiving the assignment, every member of the Columbia Police Department was reportedly excitedly volunteering Wednesday to go undercover in a white supremacist group.
“I’ll do it! I would be so good at going undercover—if I’m in there, the white supremacists won’t even be able to tell the difference,” said officer Tyson Ellerton, trying to get the chief’s attention over the din of the entire rest of the department begging to be the one to investigate a new local organization dedicated to upholding white Christian nationalism through violent means. “Please let me do it! No one will work harder than me to get into their mindset and lifestyle. Two months, two years, whatever it takes. I will live like a white supremacist to get inside their heads and understand how they work. Plus, I’ve already been working on an inside source—someone I just met, somehow—so I can use that connection to gain acceptance quickly. Come on, Chief, please please please. I’ve trained my whole life for this.”
At press time, a thrilled Ellerton exclaimed that he had just a few minutes to make it to the white supremacist group’s upcoming meeting, leaving the station before the police chief had a chance to ask how he knew the scheduled time.